ABS!!

Written by Ojieonweya Ruth (Ardent researcher)
Edited by Irene Chy O.

I never knew I could be convicted of a crime that I never committed. Strange but funny as it is, I was arrested and detained for a whole week in jail. This was because I was intoxicated with alcohol and I was driving on the major road too.

Even after I pleaded innocent, I wasn't heard. When I contacted my doctor, he arrived with my medical history and proved that I had a syndrome. The ABS. The rare syndrome, which no man in your village has been diagnosed of. I have lived with the Auto Brewery Syndrome and I know you do not know about it. I will tell you afterall. 

Auto brewery syndrome is a rare medical condition like I mentioned above, in which intoxicating quantities of ethanol is produced through endogenous fermentation within the digestive system. This happens right inside your body. I didn't have to pay for the alcohol, my body produced the alcohol and forced me to take it by diffusion. 

Auto brewery syndrome can occur in patients with short bowel syndrome. Short bowel syndrome is the malabsorption disorder caused by a lack of functional small intestine. Yea, there are people whose small intestines are that way.

Symptoms 

During the period of diagnosis, it was hard to recall that I had the symptoms below, but they are seen in almost all of my kind.

*Excessive belching: every 5 minutes was gas release. 

*Dizziness: you can't imagine. 

*Dry mouth: even with the daily mls of distilled water. 

*Hangovers: all the time.

 *Delusion.

*Irritable bowel syndrome.

 *Chronic fatigue syndrome such as depression and anxiety. I almost lost my mind.

Diagnosis

Alcohol can be detected by testing blood or the breath. My physician used special kits to detect traces of alcohol in my blood sample and used some strips for my breath. This was carried out and repeated multiple times in the same day.

Treatment 

Since the auto brewery syndrome is principally from the action of fungi on carbohydrates, the use of antifungal medications can help alleviate the symptoms. More so, I cut down carbohydrates in my diet since it's better to be safe than sorry. You don't want to get arrested like I was done right?

Thanks for reading. 🌹🌹

Fifty year olds and Menstruation.

What if I tell you, that I really like you.

What if I tell you, that my grandma still gets her sanitary towels for each month.

Sounds strange. 

Fifty year olds are termed menopausal. The average Nigerian woman reaches menopause at 45. This reproductive decline comes as we progress in age so it is medically ok that at the age of 50, one does not menstruate normally. 

For some, it comes earlier, for others, it could be delayed. There are variations based on the body's makeup.

Except the 50 year old likes to take fish oil and calcium supplements like I do, she should not worry about any medications for treatment. 

Be happy, fellow Nigerians. 🌹🌹

Devil beans

The last day at school was rather cold. The dry wind of harmattan blew gently and swayed  dust. I smelled the season;Christmas. The last week seemed hectic for the class monitors due to the unending errands pertaining the term's closure.  There were three of us. My class is remarked for its disciplined pupils, credit to it's cooperative  leaders;Mayo, Jaachi and I. The ever quiet Mayo who is loved by all for his meekness and ever willingness to cover up for everyone. Jaachi the south-eastern girl, nice in every aspect but her gossips. I am Idara,the villain.
The class literally hates me, I convinced myself not to believe that until the last day to the term's closure.


"I recognize these seed pods"
"Tell me"
"Its the hairs lining it, they contain serotonin and mucunain. They induced the itching. The slight palm scratch got more intense I suppose and she scratched vigorously hence the spread and marks on her body"
"Spare me the lectures Doctor Mariam" mother fumed. I moaned quietly from the sick bed to draw mother's attention and let her know I didn't need those aggressions then. Our eyes locked, I looked away. They both kept mute.

I tried recollecting the day's scenario.I ran in to drink from my water can before I sighted something I hadn't seen before. It was caterpillar shaped, lined with hair by the sides and lay still on my desk. They were beautiful flowers, I thought.
I grabbed the biggest of the three and wrapped in my left palm. Prior to the clenching of my tender fingers, I heard Ibrahim call out to me.
"Werepe"  he cried.
"Arrghhh" I cried more. The series of madness after the first cry were no longer in my memory. I knew I  scratched enough to wipe that memory.
"Werepe, werepe" I chanted in tears as I received repeated injections.
The City Primary school class of five connived to punish me with the mad beans. I was grateful till my resignation the next term.

#end
#yuletidefiction

Straight-lock.

     



 I starred once more at the fierce looking man in the same room. Bloodshot eyes with  thick dark lips with which he dropped that kiss. Mouth smelled of local gin and cigarette.
'Guy park well o, konji hold me well'
He blurted and my heart skipped for the seventh time since my arrival. He got closer and made to whisper to my ears, I readjusted. I had perceived enough of the unwelcoming breath already.
'Guy comot o'
I ran to the opening that had just a glimpse of light radiating into the unfortunate cell I was locked in with a pervert. I screamed for help which was not coming, rather there was a loud laughter from the policemen that guarded the cells.

I stood facing the exterior, backing my supposed housemate and reminiscing the travails that got me here.
I felt his hard hands grab the rubber at my waist,the loose fitted under pants slid down my waist,soiled breeze of urine and sweat brushed over my buttocks. I knew I couldn't  fight now.

'Trust me Sir, I just gave him a lift. We were going the same way'
My pleas were not tended to. It fell on deaf ears.
'You'll say that again after your remains have been buried' he pronounced sarcastically.
I was devastated.

'Argh' I moaned,but in pains afterall.I felt that organ slide through. The tears dropped. I couldn't resist. He held me tight against the cracked walls.


'Sir, I'm the personal assistant to the council chairman, you can reach him to attest for me, I'm very responsible' I beseeched the Inspector general of the squad. He gave me a lopsided grin and shook his head sideways. I never saw him again.Just after a moment,his men appeared and dragged me carelessly to a cell that housed a monster. The beast seeking pleasure that didn't wait for me to see the next morning sun from here.

Earlier before sunrise today, I gave a ritualist a lift unknown to me. While I drove along the highway with my radio playing softly.I heard the chick in his portfolio squeak for the first time.I ignored and believed it came from the outside. Then it continued the second time and then repeatedly as though the poor chicks were under torments.I got uncomfortable and almost lost control of the steer.Then the young man I gave a lift with his little chicks assured me it was nothing, he was on his way to deliver the chicks he sold.I got convinced.
 I trusted and that was the mistake.I didn't think chicks were carried in cages and not opaque portfolios,I never imagined the aftermath. How much of a dummy I was. We got to a checkpoint and I  stopped without fear,I had no skeletons in my cupboard afterall.While the police checked my license and papers, the chicks gave a loud cry, higher pitched than the previous.After that search, we both landed here as crime accomplices; human parts with fresh blood were neatly wrapped in the same portfolio I thought had just chicks. The corps didn't understand I only offered a lift out of generosity to him.

The fierce thrust by the invert behind brought me back from my reverie. I didn't scream this time, I only kept calm and tearfully enjoyed the act.Warm fluid spilled all over my skin,I felt it drip down my laps,slowly. I heard so much about men having men in the media,now it is me in the act on the very morning of Monday the twenty-seventh.


End!

Mirani

******Ejiyui,1843*****

  The sun was at the brink of it's setting, the children are all back from gathering woods in the farms.I watched my seven younger ones march in groups of two and three into our large compound which houses six huts. Each dumping their bundles by the wall ends separate from the other's. The woods are tied with unique colored ropes for easy identification while the youngest rushes to notify Daada of their arrival. He would pick his chalk and flat board to take records and announce the best wood amongst all. The child that fetched them would lead in morning offerings the next day and as well eat from Daada's plate throughout that day. This was something I longed for as a younger child. One continues to gather woods until they've reached maturity which begins by hairs sprouting in the groins. I remembered the day I first saw mine;how I ran very fast to show Maami. I pulled and showed her while I covered my face,ashamed.

She only smiled and took me to Daada.

"Give him the best of food from today and gorogoro as well. He should not bathe along with the younger ones when the day has broke and darkness elapsed!".Daada pronounced with authority that glorious morning.

     My life transformed from that day,I was firstly exempted from gathering firewood. In addition,Daada gave me his role of checking the woods which the younger children had gathered. He sits in front of his hut every evening and watches me as I march in gallantry to the wood place.I would carry his chalk and usual flat wood to take records just like him. I would announce the winner with my shoulders high and watch father radiate in smiles from his sitting place. Proud that his offspring has become man enough.

         Daada is a good man favored by the gods. He has large lands, huts and two fertile lands  for cropping. His only regret is not having any female child. It hurts him and we all know. He even dreads every first market day of the new moon as the village messenger sends in invitations of marriage ceremonies of daughters of his fellow chiefs. Men he started producing children with the same year. He sits sadly to watch the supposed grooms shower men of his age with boxes of gold and cowries while he goes home with the rest of the elders with a cock and two yams.

On one occasion, I overheard him lament as he cursed the male seeds that may come from him again in the future. That was a day after chief Igbiyi gave out his twin daughters the same day;giving the elders just a set of their share instead of double the entitlement. Daada came home that evening and threw the bird and yams into a shallow well behind his hut and threatened no one goes there that they were cursed items. Maami and I understood it all but never questioned him.

        A week after this incidence,he brought a young girl to our home, his supposed new wife. She is called Mirani and a daughter to the village herb man too. I remember Maami telling me we were both born on the same market day. None of us knew how Daada paid all of the girl's dowries in a short period;especially now we had made no sales from the farm due to poor harvest. He never confided in us. On Mirani's arrival, I hurriedly went to Daada's chambers to move mother's wrappers and jewelry out. While I left, I bumped into the young wife at the entrance and spat at her face. She smiled and walked past while I went out in disgust.

     Each night,I sneak out of my chambers to peep at Daada and Mirani as they get intimate but I leave each time disappointed. This continued for three new moons and Mirani's tummy never bulged.

    One evening, after the usual routine of checking the woods,the village herb man walked in with his box,a black box which he uses to perform the last rites on a person about to die. Then I remembered Daada.I hurriedly ran to inform father of his arrival who instructed me on how best to welcome him. While I carried out my duties,I pondered on his purpose of visit. Father has not used a walking stick yet nor his back bent which marks the last year of one's life in my village. My younger brothers  gathered round Daada in sober while the herb man performed the rites. Maami and the young wife stood some distance away,women are not involved in such sacred acts. In the end, the last part of the rite was done;after which he announced that father's death day is in the next new moon.

   Later in the midnight,while all had retired,I summoned Daada in his chambers for a late night discussion. There he revealed answers to most things that troubled me. Daada has become unable to give a child to Mirani after seeing her unclad. Death is the penalty for such calamity upon any man it befalls. It shocked me for I never heard of it before. If only father was satisfied with his eight sons,he could have aged well. On one note,I was not sorry for him,even the coming generation knew he deserved it.

"Let every man pay for their sins",I muttered.

"I know very much,everyone would pay for their sins"he added. I was stupefied at how he  had heard that. I remained still for a while then stood to leave.

"Son,my life is in your hands now".He added again and I knew very much what it entails. I scampered out of his hut and didn't look back. After a deep rumination,I made the hardest decision any lad could think of.

           Maami began to prepare me for the task.I drank more of gorogoro, a bitter drink extracted from leaves and roots believed to boost child bearing.I chewed almond nuts too,drank less water and stayed out of the sun.

"I have full faith in you" those are Daada's soliciting words. It encourages me each time it was time to force gorogoro down my throat. 

        The day broke so fast, I arose with a bizarre feeling different from the other nights. I led in morning offerings that day and ate from Daada's plate too,taking the place of Kalomi the youngest who got the best of woods the previous evening. Father gave his blessings finally while I approached  Mirani's chambers that night. We were all hopeful and prayed the gods. They indeed heard us,as father's young wife was confirmed to be of a child just two nights to Daada's supposed death day.

    After nine full moons,she bore a girl child. We all celebrated greatly. Daada's joy was inexplicable.

Years after father's demise,Mirani and I moved into his chambers. The child was only ten then. Everyone knew she resembled the  father.A miracle too that prolonged Daada's years.I loved her in the best way Daada ever loved his sons...

   

The end!

Friday For Fathers

Exactly fifteen minutes to midnight,I drove into my yard.My three years Mercedes jolted twice before it stopped abruptly. Embarrassed,I glanced at my guest to read her expression.I needed not to create a bad impression of myself this early.The wads of fake pounds I tossed at her on the dance floor were enough to convince her,I even slid extra in her purse.I grinned to myself.The local chief never failed me,always available to sell fake currencies for moments like this.
"Here we are babe"I winked at her,she smiled and put her face down.
I got down and opened the door for her to step out,I wore my best smiles.
"Beautiful eyes you've got" She said. I flushed.
My wife never told me that;she complements every part of my face but the eyes.
"Rat eyes" she termed them.



It was Friday and the neighborhood is mainly quiet and calm.Many travel for weekends while few stay back for party.I'm among the few that stay back.My wife and son go to her grandparent's place for weekends.It was a routine they don't fail to observe which I have no problem with.All I do is hang out with my colleagues at work,drink and party and girls;but today was special.Franklin,my co-editor in the company had taken me to the Bleamer's club,the most visited in the city.
"Trust me man,the girls are good" he had told me on our way there.Eventually,he never lied because right here was one of the good girls he talked about.I sucked my lips in excitement.We both held hands like newly weds and walked to the entrance,the black sleeveless gown she wore gave a fair display of her ample bosoms.It reminded me of my ex wife,Riano.Same voluptuous body,different colors.She was blonde and had a low cut;Riano wore long hairs and bleaches her skin.How much I missed her,she died of skin cancer years back.

As I made to unlock the door,it creaked open.I turned the knob and felt the lock,it was not broken which could only mean the person has the right key.I peeped,but darkness covered the living room which was unusual.I just paid the electricity bills the previous week.I searched my pocket for my phone,it was shut down already due to low battery.I went in with her and locked the door after then.Slowly,I groped my way to my bedroom to get the torch.She followed closely.Just before the door to my room,I stumbled on a metal object.I bent and picked it and observed blindly. It was a pistol.I was sure I owned none.It then dawned on me some armed persons had entered my house,possibly still around somewhere.I got scared then.I gripped the gun with both hands in fear.I never handled one but I was sure I won't fail to pull the trigger should the need arise.
"Behind me" I muttered .I turned the knob and pushed the metal door ajar. It creaked noisily due to rust at the hinges. Then I saw the stranger standing by the window directly opposite the door.
"Show yourself" I commanded courageously.The voice chuckled.I knew it was a female then but the voice was familiar.
The lady faced me now but since it was dark I couldn't see clearly who it was.The gun still pointed at her,someone else entered the room with a bright light.I turned immediately and pointed it to that direction .I was quick to figure it was my ten year old son.His distinct full hair was a great clue,he then pointed the torch to the ceiling which lighted the room.
I turned and faced Tonaj my wife now,she wore the meanest look since I've known her.I have never been more ashamed of myself.I looked at her eyes,then my son's.I knew I've not been a good man.Since our thirteen years of marriage,I only caused her sorrows and bitterness.I took away love and laughter from her peaceful soul.I did not only abuse her physically,I force myself on her each time I desired to fulfill my selfish lusts.I tortured her emotionally by digging painful events of her past at every misunderstanding we had.She did have an awful experience growing up.Her father;an alcoholic coal miner approached them in the same angry and violent manner.Hitting her mum at every slight mistake.This caused her mom to take her and leave their father and their little home after years of enduring.She had just her.They both virtually lived in the streets.Long misery cut short,I came into her life.I always loved her but I wasn't sure if I still did presently.I wasn't sure why.My present attitude towards them changed hysterically .I knew I deserved her care no more.Just today,I brought a strange woman to our home again.Since I had lost count,I wasn't sure the number of times I did.She did find out but today,fate caught up with me;I got caught red handed.She set a big trap and I fell without a rethink.
"Shoot her"Tonaj thundered as she came closer to me. She just asked me to shoot the strange woman.
I wasn't sure what I heard so I stared at her with the what-did-you-just-say look.
"You heard me right Paul, shoot her and end my sorrows" she was in great rage now.
I didn't know what she was up to.The lady guest still stood behind me and held me in fear.I knew then there was no way to convince Tonaj,her face said it all.She must have had a great time planning this.I buried my face in my palms while the gun pointed to the ceiling.I have never been more confused.
"I love you Paul,this is for our own good"she whispered to me and then gave me a lopsided smile.She stared at my guest in an unusual way and laughed loud.
She forcefully grabbed my hands and pulled the trigger.I didn't see that coming.
"Piew" I heard it,so fast and short it was.I wasn't sure whom it was fired at but I knew a bullet escaped.I felt the recoil of the gun. I saw my lady guest slump slowly on the bed.She has been shot,and the gun in my hands.In teary eyes, I held her lifeless body while my wife and son walked out unmoved..
I sat still and held the lady guest in my arms and patiently waited for the cops to take me away.Running was not an option,how far can I go?
As they led me out in handcuffs to the Black Maria,I stared once more at my wife and son.
"Happy Father's Day in advance" they said in unison.It was their farewell since the next day was father's day.I closed my eyes and let the tear drop.She wiped it from my cheek and licked it.
"I'll never forget you Paul".She wept now.For the first time in my marriage I regretted marrying her.Then again,if that was the best way to restore the peace I denied her,so be it.I was paying the price already. I entered the vehicle as I headed to my forever doom,few years in jail until my death sentence.

*The End!*

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